..

  Back in October, my mother had found my husband actively searching for other women on dating sites for about 2 months. He had a profile that mentioned his recent military separation, our son, and how he's just seeing what's out there. There wasn't a single thing mentioned about me or how we've been married for 2 1/2 years. It broke my heart. He has chased me since 7th grade and he's been at my side since the day he met me. He knows everything about me. He was the one person that I thought would NEVER hurt me in any way.. but, he ripped open a wound that I don't think will ever be able to heal.
   Ever since I found out, things have been pretty rough some days and other days are perfect. Things have just been questionable and I've thought about leaving many times because knowing that he was willing to throw our family away so easily haunts me every single second. You know the saying: "If they do it once, they're bound to do it again"? I'm a strong believer in it, but I don't want to believe this when it comes to him. I never did anything to hurt him on this level.
   I will probably never understand why someone would do this to someone they love. It makes me question everything about him because I thought I knew him inside and out, but I was quickly proved wrong. Even 5 months later, I question where he's going and what he's doing and who he'll be with. No relationship should be like that and it kills me. I should be able to trust my husband to protect our family and to be faithful.. but, I can't.
   When he makes comments about how I'm the reason that we are struggling in our relationship, his words wrap about my heart and shatter it all over again. How can he sit there and seriously tell me that I'M the reason he cheated on me, broke my heart, and lost all of my respect and trust? How could he think that the reason I don't want to touch or talk to him sometimes is MY fault? How dare he.
   What kills me the most is when I confronted him, he told me that there's two sides to every story. Hold on, excuse me? How is there two sides to you being an unfaithful husband? When I think of that, I'm left speechless and enraged. Men almost always blame their wives/girlfriends when they cheat.
"She wasn't giving me enough sex."
"She was being really distant so I thought we were over."
   It makes me sick. Men disgust me. Sometimes, I feel like I love him so much that I want to just leave because what he did to me makes me feel like he really just wants to be with other women. It makes me feel like I'm nothing. I'd do anything for him and he repays me by breaking my heart.

   Part of me wants him to find this and read it. The other part of me wants to delete it right after I post it.

That's all. --