My 20s and my mental health

   I remember being told that your mental health issues will worsen in your early 20s.. boy were they right. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a child and it's only been a battle that I can't seem to win. Do you ever win a battle with depression though? I struggled with lying, self-harm, anorexia, obeying the rules, suicide attempts, and I went to a group home for a year and a half on top of multiple visits (that turned into stays) at the psych ward. All I wanted was to find a way to escape the clenching fists of depression. I'm now on my 23rd (almost 24th) year of life and it's gotten to the point where I'm so sure that my depression isn't JUST depression anymore. 

   I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. I don't have the need or want to make the effort to talk or hang out with my friends or parents or siblings. What's the point when you don't recognize the relationship or the person? Nothing about people or the world makes sense to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love everyone that I'm close with. I just don't see the connection anymore. 

   My son and my husband feel like strangers to me sometimes. I'm either hot or cold. I'll be totally fine and loving and warm one minute and then the next minute I'm cold and so disconnected. When I say disconnected, I mean, no sympathy and no other emotions except anger and a deep sadness. I love my husband and my son more than words can explain, but I don't feel like I know how to love correctly. I see my son and my husband and they're strangers. I'm a stranger. 

   I question life in general a lot now and I hate leaving my house. The world scares me and it scares me even more because I'm in it.