I know I'll be fine because none of what I feel right now is mine. It's all YOUR that you've fed me because YOU don't want to see the issue within yourself.
You took the person that I was and locked it away so I could never find it again. That is ok though. I now know that I was never the person I should've been and I'm still not the person I should be yet. You helped me get back on the right track to finding the person my Mother raised me to be. You took away the person I used to be and I really appreciate it.
You tried to break me down and mold me into your own monster, but I still rise and I'll keep rising.
You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward.
I'm a mommy, a wife, and a coffee addict living in the land of ice and snow. Writing and drawing are my passions along with raising my son and bettering myself.
11/06/2016
1/12/2016
My 20s and my mental health
I remember being told that your mental health issues will worsen in your early 20s.. boy were they right. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a child and it's only been a battle that I can't seem to win. Do you ever win a battle with depression though? I struggled with lying, self-harm, anorexia, obeying the rules, suicide attempts, and I went to a group home for a year and a half on top of multiple visits (that turned into stays) at the psych ward. All I wanted was to find a way to escape the clenching fists of depression. I'm now on my 23rd (almost 24th) year of life and it's gotten to the point where I'm so sure that my depression isn't JUST depression anymore.
I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. I don't have the need or want to make the effort to talk or hang out with my friends or parents or siblings. What's the point when you don't recognize the relationship or the person? Nothing about people or the world makes sense to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love everyone that I'm close with. I just don't see the connection anymore.
My son and my husband feel like strangers to me sometimes. I'm either hot or cold. I'll be totally fine and loving and warm one minute and then the next minute I'm cold and so disconnected. When I say disconnected, I mean, no sympathy and no other emotions except anger and a deep sadness. I love my husband and my son more than words can explain, but I don't feel like I know how to love correctly. I see my son and my husband and they're strangers. I'm a stranger.
I question life in general a lot now and I hate leaving my house. The world scares me and it scares me even more because I'm in it.
12/23/2015
DISCONNECTING
Just like the title says, I want to be discontinued from the world now. My depression and anxiety are so bad and get even worse when I open Twitter or Facebook. I see everything going wrong in the world and it makes me ache inside. What kind of world will my children and their children grow up in? What will they have to deal with?
The overall lack of kindness and common sense is overwhelming too. I don't know how some of these people even know how to keep breathing and I can't take it. It's not like I'm being bullied or harassed online, I just can't stand seeing stupid posts and statuses.
Twitter will be the first to go because it's pointless and probably the most stressful. It's full of people complaining about the stupidest things and attacking you for every little thing you say and ripping you apart for how you look and pretty much anything they can think of. Instagram will be next because it's just pointless. Then, Facebook will go. That will probably be the hardest thing to get rid of because that's how I keep in touch with distant family and friends. It's how family/friends see my son growing.
I need to delete it all though regardless of what anyone says so I can recenter myself and be there more for my son and husband. I will be keeping my blog though. Besides, social media and everything alike is starting to ruin what humans are supposed to be doing. We aren't meant to have our faces buried in a screen. We should be outside running around, breathing fresh air, wandering around in the world around us, and discovering our talents.
That's all.
The overall lack of kindness and common sense is overwhelming too. I don't know how some of these people even know how to keep breathing and I can't take it. It's not like I'm being bullied or harassed online, I just can't stand seeing stupid posts and statuses.
Twitter will be the first to go because it's pointless and probably the most stressful. It's full of people complaining about the stupidest things and attacking you for every little thing you say and ripping you apart for how you look and pretty much anything they can think of. Instagram will be next because it's just pointless. Then, Facebook will go. That will probably be the hardest thing to get rid of because that's how I keep in touch with distant family and friends. It's how family/friends see my son growing.
I need to delete it all though regardless of what anyone says so I can recenter myself and be there more for my son and husband. I will be keeping my blog though. Besides, social media and everything alike is starting to ruin what humans are supposed to be doing. We aren't meant to have our faces buried in a screen. We should be outside running around, breathing fresh air, wandering around in the world around us, and discovering our talents.
That's all.
9/09/2015
(No title)
Sometimes, I act like things don't bother me when I'm around people just so I can appear as the strong one and help those that need it instead of focusing on myself. When I'm alone, like now, everything hits me like a train.
My mom called me this morning and told me that our first dog as a family was being put down tomorrow and that we could go say goodbye today and spend his last day with him. We drove an hour and a half up to Brainerd to spend time with Dante one last time.
It was so hard to see him again after a year and see how much his health had gone. He had small and large tumors all over his body, his hips were obviously causing him pain, and you could tell he wasn't all there upstairs. He still remembered my mom, brother, and myself though.
Dante came into our family when he was about 8 or 9 weeks old. He was our dog until he was maybe 4 or 5 years old (give or take) and then when my family moved into a new house, the lease said that his breed, Rottweiler, wasn't allowed. My uncle agreed to take Dante so Dante was flown to California on my birthday. That was the saddest birthday I've ever had, even to this day. My uncle moves back and forth a lot so he decided that Dante would thrive and be happier if he stayed with my Grandma in Brainerd. He's lived with her ever since. We got to see Dante every time we went to visit my Grandma and he'd remember us every time like we were still his owners.
Seeing Dante today hurt like hell. He's aged so much. A 13 year old dog is most definitely going to have aging, but he's the first dog that I've ever had that lived a full life and had to be put down from old age. It's not easy seeing a dog you've known their whole life and knowing that they won't be here when you wake up.
I'm sure there are some people that will say "he's just a dog." Yeah, he's just a dog, BUT he was our dog and we treat our dogs like family. Dante is family and I'll miss him so much. I know I didn't get to see him much after we moved and couldn't have him, but when I did see him, his face would light up when he saw me. I'll always remember Dante and I'll always miss and love him.
- M.
My mom called me this morning and told me that our first dog as a family was being put down tomorrow and that we could go say goodbye today and spend his last day with him. We drove an hour and a half up to Brainerd to spend time with Dante one last time.
It was so hard to see him again after a year and see how much his health had gone. He had small and large tumors all over his body, his hips were obviously causing him pain, and you could tell he wasn't all there upstairs. He still remembered my mom, brother, and myself though.
Dante came into our family when he was about 8 or 9 weeks old. He was our dog until he was maybe 4 or 5 years old (give or take) and then when my family moved into a new house, the lease said that his breed, Rottweiler, wasn't allowed. My uncle agreed to take Dante so Dante was flown to California on my birthday. That was the saddest birthday I've ever had, even to this day. My uncle moves back and forth a lot so he decided that Dante would thrive and be happier if he stayed with my Grandma in Brainerd. He's lived with her ever since. We got to see Dante every time we went to visit my Grandma and he'd remember us every time like we were still his owners.
Seeing Dante today hurt like hell. He's aged so much. A 13 year old dog is most definitely going to have aging, but he's the first dog that I've ever had that lived a full life and had to be put down from old age. It's not easy seeing a dog you've known their whole life and knowing that they won't be here when you wake up.
I'm sure there are some people that will say "he's just a dog." Yeah, he's just a dog, BUT he was our dog and we treat our dogs like family. Dante is family and I'll miss him so much. I know I didn't get to see him much after we moved and couldn't have him, but when I did see him, his face would light up when he saw me. I'll always remember Dante and I'll always miss and love him.
- M.
9/05/2015
Being an empath is a blessing and a curse
I don't know why God gave me this gift, but I want it to be used to help others. I'm not entirely sure how to do that yet because when I try to help, I absorb their feelings and basically get stuck handling emotions and pains that aren't mine. I feel like people just unload their burdens onto me and just leave me to fend off their demons alone.
God, please show me the way and give me the strength to endure the massive floods of emotions that I feel 24/7. Allow me to have a steady and focused heart and mind when feeling things that aren't my own. Help me sift through everything I feel and be able to grasp the lessons in what I feel. I need your constant support to handle the things I absorb, Lord.
Amen.
God, please show me the way and give me the strength to endure the massive floods of emotions that I feel 24/7. Allow me to have a steady and focused heart and mind when feeling things that aren't my own. Help me sift through everything I feel and be able to grasp the lessons in what I feel. I need your constant support to handle the things I absorb, Lord.
Amen.
7/22/2015
Kind of about my dad and the relation to how I've been feeling in general
So, I've always felt like I annoyed my dad. I always remember feeling like I shouldn't be there, that he didn't want to be there, or like I was just being tolerated due to the custody agreement that my mom and him had. Growing up was hard. I know that my mom always thought I didn't like her, but that's not the case. I always loved her and she SHOWED me that she loved me so I didn't feel like I needed to prove anything to her or go out of my way to be shown that she loved me. I never had that from my dad. I always felt like I'd have to disobey or get hurt to get his attention and not money or presents.
All I ever wanted was for my dad to show interest in my life and spend TIME with me like he'd spend money on presents and activities for me. I wish my mom never had to beg him to be involved. He never went to any of my concerts or soccer games. He never went to any of my therapy sessions. He never went to parent-teacher conferences. My mom always had to relay messages from my therapist, social worker, teachers, and my other authorities.
Just recently, I've been able to see what my mom always told me about. I see him dread being me because now it's not "do you want me to come over for dinner?" It's "can I come over and see Booba (my son)." He wants to be involved with my son, but I see him doing the same thing that he did to me. He never just asks if I'm ok and just lets me talk unless I call him crying and that's very rare. When that happens, he gets awkward and doesn't want to get involved with how I feel.
I love my dad, but I always had to compete with other aspects of his life. Therefore, I always wanted to be around him and wanted to try and make him enjoy my company and WANT to spend time with me.
All I ever wanted was for my dad to show interest in my life and spend TIME with me like he'd spend money on presents and activities for me. I wish my mom never had to beg him to be involved. He never went to any of my concerts or soccer games. He never went to any of my therapy sessions. He never went to parent-teacher conferences. My mom always had to relay messages from my therapist, social worker, teachers, and my other authorities.
Just recently, I've been able to see what my mom always told me about. I see him dread being me because now it's not "do you want me to come over for dinner?" It's "can I come over and see Booba (my son)." He wants to be involved with my son, but I see him doing the same thing that he did to me. He never just asks if I'm ok and just lets me talk unless I call him crying and that's very rare. When that happens, he gets awkward and doesn't want to get involved with how I feel.
I love my dad, but I always had to compete with other aspects of his life. Therefore, I always wanted to be around him and wanted to try and make him enjoy my company and WANT to spend time with me.
3/31/2015
..
Back in October, my mother had found my husband actively searching for other women on dating sites for about 2 months. He had a profile that mentioned his recent military separation, our son, and how he's just seeing what's out there. There wasn't a single thing mentioned about me or how we've been married for 2 1/2 years. It broke my heart. He has chased me since 7th grade and he's been at my side since the day he met me. He knows everything about me. He was the one person that I thought would NEVER hurt me in any way.. but, he ripped open a wound that I don't think will ever be able to heal.
Ever since I found out, things have been pretty rough some days and other days are perfect. Things have just been questionable and I've thought about leaving many times because knowing that he was willing to throw our family away so easily haunts me every single second. You know the saying: "If they do it once, they're bound to do it again"? I'm a strong believer in it, but I don't want to believe this when it comes to him. I never did anything to hurt him on this level.
I will probably never understand why someone would do this to someone they love. It makes me question everything about him because I thought I knew him inside and out, but I was quickly proved wrong. Even 5 months later, I question where he's going and what he's doing and who he'll be with. No relationship should be like that and it kills me. I should be able to trust my husband to protect our family and to be faithful.. but, I can't.
When he makes comments about how I'm the reason that we are struggling in our relationship, his words wrap about my heart and shatter it all over again. How can he sit there and seriously tell me that I'M the reason he cheated on me, broke my heart, and lost all of my respect and trust? How could he think that the reason I don't want to touch or talk to him sometimes is MY fault? How dare he.
What kills me the most is when I confronted him, he told me that there's two sides to every story. Hold on, excuse me? How is there two sides to you being an unfaithful husband? When I think of that, I'm left speechless and enraged. Men almost always blame their wives/girlfriends when they cheat.
"She wasn't giving me enough sex."
"She was being really distant so I thought we were over."
It makes me sick. Men disgust me. Sometimes, I feel like I love him so much that I want to just leave because what he did to me makes me feel like he really just wants to be with other women. It makes me feel like I'm nothing. I'd do anything for him and he repays me by breaking my heart.
Part of me wants him to find this and read it. The other part of me wants to delete it right after I post it.
That's all. --
Ever since I found out, things have been pretty rough some days and other days are perfect. Things have just been questionable and I've thought about leaving many times because knowing that he was willing to throw our family away so easily haunts me every single second. You know the saying: "If they do it once, they're bound to do it again"? I'm a strong believer in it, but I don't want to believe this when it comes to him. I never did anything to hurt him on this level.
I will probably never understand why someone would do this to someone they love. It makes me question everything about him because I thought I knew him inside and out, but I was quickly proved wrong. Even 5 months later, I question where he's going and what he's doing and who he'll be with. No relationship should be like that and it kills me. I should be able to trust my husband to protect our family and to be faithful.. but, I can't.
When he makes comments about how I'm the reason that we are struggling in our relationship, his words wrap about my heart and shatter it all over again. How can he sit there and seriously tell me that I'M the reason he cheated on me, broke my heart, and lost all of my respect and trust? How could he think that the reason I don't want to touch or talk to him sometimes is MY fault? How dare he.
What kills me the most is when I confronted him, he told me that there's two sides to every story. Hold on, excuse me? How is there two sides to you being an unfaithful husband? When I think of that, I'm left speechless and enraged. Men almost always blame their wives/girlfriends when they cheat.
"She wasn't giving me enough sex."
"She was being really distant so I thought we were over."
It makes me sick. Men disgust me. Sometimes, I feel like I love him so much that I want to just leave because what he did to me makes me feel like he really just wants to be with other women. It makes me feel like I'm nothing. I'd do anything for him and he repays me by breaking my heart.
Part of me wants him to find this and read it. The other part of me wants to delete it right after I post it.
That's all. --
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